Latest crazy thoughts on possibly being pregnant...

I feel relatively normal. And 78% of the time I forget that I could possibly be pregnant. A very busy 18mo will do that to a gal. But the other 12% of time could drive me to the nut house. Every once in a while I think my boobs are sore, but then when I squish them purposefully - nothing. One thing is for certain, food tastes different to me. Nothing tastes good. Which sucks. I love food. The science experiment feeling in my uterus comes every now and then. It's reassuring for some reason. And it reminds me to sit down and put my feet up. I'm also starting to get that exhausted, tired feeling. Today I laid down on the floor in the playroom and said to Sean, "Mommy is so tired and could use a kiss." He promptly walked over, leaned down, and planted a wet one smack on my lips. How lucky am I?

All of these symptoms can simply be effects from the drugs. Estrogen and mega-doses of Progesterone (shot into my ass with a a needle rivaling the size of Seattle's famous skyscraper) bring about a host of pregnancy-like feelings. Nothing like whigging out an {in}Fertility patient with the possibility of false hopes.

Maggie, the cleaning lady, comes tomorrow. Gotta love that. Except tonight we have to clean for the cleaning lady. Which sucks (not as much as the non-tasty food, however). I've had to take a few breaks from the effort. Hence, blogging.

I love...

• The way you are so determined to use your fork while eating.
  
• How you say "wow" in a low whisper when you see something amazing. We don't know where you learned it. It's like you've always known what it means.
  
• Your profile. You're so darn cute. I dream what you will be and do as you grow up. For now I try to memorize what you look like today because I know you will grow up very fast.
  
• When you pull me or daddy by our hand. You are a social person and often want us to play with you instead of playing by yourself.
  
• Your emotions. You get frustrated rather easily when things don't come easily. Like when you try to master your fine motor skills such as placing the Little People flag on the petting zoo farm. You try a few times and then grunt "ugh" and stomp your foot.
  
• How gentle and loving you are with your twin baby cousins. You always kiss their heads or whatever part of their body you can reach. And you are so careful and protective when you are near them. It warms my heart to see your empathy and gives me a glimpse of what a great big brother you will be one day soon.
  
• How you say "cheese" when we take your picture. You often pretend some of your toys are a camera and walk around with the toy to your face saying "cheese".
  
• That you can say "bless" and know how to fold your hands when we say "amen".
  How you are (usually) a very good boy in church, and a big smile comes across your face when we say, "Let's go see Jesus".
  
• When you are mezmorized by the stained glass windows at church.
  
• How you blow kisses when we put you down to sleep. You started this tradition on your own. We're not sure if you're saying "thank you" or just blowing kisses. Either way it shows how loving you are, and that makes my heart bubble with joy.
  
• How excited you are to see "da da" every time he comes home, walks into the room, or comes down the stairs. You are not shy about showing your emotions.
  
• That you give kisses like they're going out of style. You now give kisses on my cheek... my arm, belly, knee, toes. Any part of my body you can reach.
  
• How curious you are. Everything is a new adventure for you. Grampy has called you Inspector Clouseau since you were a baby, and it still holds true.
  
• The way you have a knack for mechanics. A few weeks ago you picked up a wrench in the garage and went straight to your bike. You placed it on your bike handle and started turning it. We don't know where you learned it since you've never seen daddy using a wrench before.
  
• How you love to tickle and be tickled. You wiggle your fingers and say "ticka ticka ticka".
  
• Everything about you. Your 18 months old and I love you more and more every day.
  
  
  

The miracle of life

I'm a couch potato this weekend. It's a tough life, but someone's gotta live it. I'm resigned to the fact that my husband will try as best he can to wait on me hand and foot. But since I don't really look sick AT ALL he's often forgetting this fact. I'm not. My uterus feels like a science experiment about to go bad.

Rewind 36 hours ago. We arrived at the fertility center practically on the shores of Lake Michigan. And if you know where I live you realize what a hike this was for us! I dragged my lazy butt out of bed at 4:30am, showered, dressed, checked email, and finished last minute preparations for Sean's caretakers for the day. We really are blessed with good friends who are willing to drop everything and help us by watching Sean for the day. In our case it takes a village to make a baby, let alone raise a child!

The fertility center was freezing. Either they didn't want bacteria to breed there, or it was so damn early there wasn't enough body heat radiating through the place. We were there for what is called a frozen embryo transfer. Which has nothing to do with the temperature of the center. It's essentially thawing the tiniest of babies and placing them in my uterus. When we went through IVF the last time (of many!), we produced four healthy embryos and only transferred two. The other two were cyroperserved, and this day we were transferring them into the fluffy confines of my uterus in hopes of getting pregnant again.

Our journey to parenthood was very long with its ups and downs, but it was all worth it. Sean is more than we ever dreamed. Right now I'm wathing him play with his trucks. Looking back, it's surreal. This time around I'm very content in accepting God's will for our lives. My faith is strong, but I'm only human. Not so very long ago I struggled with leaving it all up to Him. Sounds crazy, I know. But when the longing to be a mother burns in every fiber of your being, and it doesn't seem as if it's going to be reality, you start to question your faith. In hindsight it all becomes clear. He didn't place that longing in me only to say "nah!". It was only that I needed to wait for His perfect time.

I'm feeling ok. A bit tired from the trek and anethesia from yesterday. I have some cramping and I can't remember if that happened to me in the past. Never before did I chronicle my symptoms this early in the game. However, suddenly the feeling of being in tune with every twinge, pinch, and ache in my body comes rushing back to me. It doesn't bring back pleasant memories, and this scares me a bit. Deep breathing. My faith is strong.

As I was saying, this time is different emotionally. Our prayers have already been answered - we're parents. Any siblings for Sean will be icing on the cake. In two weeks time we will have taken a pregnancy test and know if we are pregnant or not. Right now there are two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny babies inside of me trying to decide if they are going to stick around. Literally.

One Weekend in our Life May09 { Hello You Books }

A few weeks ago I shared with you my weekend creative project of capturing our everyday life. I narrowed down the 400-some pictures, and created this 8x8 book. I'm pretty excited by how it turned out -- simple, minimalistic, and fresh. It tells the story of our here & now that otherwise would not have been captured. I mean, who really thinks to take a picture of their waffle iron? Or the bathtub toy organizer? Someday I think Sean will look back at these "things" fondly and remember this simple time in our lives.

Are you inspired to capture your everyday? If so, grab your camera and start shooting. Choose one day, one weekend, or one week... and have Hello You Books help you document it forever.

Email me to get started.

Front Cover

Title Page

Pages 2 & 3 -- Saturday morning

Pages 4 & 5 -- Day at the park

Page 6 & 7 -- Lunch & Naptime

Pages 8 & 9 -- Church, Dinner, Bath and Bed

Page 10 & 11 -- Sunday Morning

Pages 12 & 13 -- First Trip to the Zoo!

Pages 14 & 15 -- Aquatics

Pages 16 & 17 -- Lunch & Tropic World

Pages 18 & 19 -- Children's Petting Zoo & Bears

Pages 20 & 21 -- Mold-a-rama & Portillo's

Back Cover

Credits:
Ali Edwards templates and word art throughout
Yellow Glurpee papers by Suzanne C. Walker
Shabby Princes Happy Go Lucky papers
Miss Mint, PeppermintCreative.com, Honeydew Melon papers
Miss Mint, PeppermintCreative.com, Blue Lavendar papers & elements
The Queen of Quirk, songbirdavenue.com Apr09 kit, flair on page 21

Weekend Creative

I was inspired Friday night by Ali Edward's to document my weekend in photos and words. In two full days I snapped over 400 shots and succeeded in humoring (irritating?) my husband. I can see I need to finetune my photography skills, but luckily Photoshop helps with color and lighting. Perhaps one day I will take a photography class. In the meantime, I'm enjoying capturing the everyday.

Not sure yet in what form this project will take. I'm stuck in the digital scrapbook rut while I build up my creative confidence, so this will probably by an 8x8 book.


Journal Notes:


Saturday

***Jeff woke me up at 9:15am and reminded me I had to log into my office hours at 9:30am. Sean was still sleeping. God love him!!

***I logged into my office hours and proceeded to clear off memory sticks for the weekend creative project

***Sean and Jeff came downstairs around 10am, and I made homemade waffles - yummy!!

***I graded some papers, and then decided it was too nice outside to work!!

***Jeff, Sean and I went for a walk and to the park. The weather was absolutely gorgeous!

***Fed Sean lunch and put him down for a nap... but first, some snuggling with Winnie the Pooh in his crib

***Headed to church at 4:30pm. It was crowded because of First Communicants. What a special day for them!!

***Next stop Tommy's for some hot dogs and fries for dinner. We ate in the screen room on the deck to enjoy the remaining sunshine of the day.

***Bath, brush teeth, bedtime story and bed for Sean

***Grocery shopping to end the day



Sunday

***We slept in again today until 9:30am - yippee!!

***Shower and breakfast quickly because we need to leave at 11am for the zoo

***On the road by 11:10am.... not too bad

***Picked up Uncle Mikey and we were on our way!!

***Met Kari, Kevin, Hannah, Chris and Amy at 12:30... Sean's first trip to the zoo is official!!

***First stop is hooved (sp?) animals, including giraffes. Sean is captivated by seeing live animals!!

**Next were the penguins

***Lunch where Sean would only eat watermelon and had fun entertaining everyone with his drool!!

***One of the elephants had died a few days prior - so sad!! We didn't get to see any pacaderms.

***Tropic house next with the monkeys and gorillas -- super hot in there!

***Polar bears and brown bears were chillin' outside

***Children's zoo where Sean got to pet a baby chick!

***Dolphins and sea lions were a hit!

***The tigers and lions were not outside... we'll have to catch them next time

***A fun day was had by all!! The weather was great. The only bummer was we didn't keep up with Sean's diapers and he leaked twice!! All that watermelon will do that to a kid, I guesss.

***We ended our day at Portillo's for dinner with Uncle Mikey.

***We were all pretty exhausted, but I cleaned up the kitchen and prepared the laundry for Monday morning

***Whew!! A weekend in our lives captured and documented. We are blessed!!


Here are some of my favorite shots. You can see that Sean makes a great subject, and he's definitely the center of my every day!

Conflicted Mommy

Everyone who knows me knows I'm a conflicted individual. OK, maybe they wouldn't use those words... perhaps a creative, detailed planner might be used to describe me. My mother was in awe of me as a child when I would whip together a poster for a school project and not worry too much about coloring outside the lines. Yet later on in high school I was elected school president and was found creating spreadsheets. So, yeah, I'm conflicted... or well balanced? Whichever. It makes me, ME!

The result of this ME is Sean is now nearly 17 months old and I haven't yet started on his first year book. Strange, huh? Not really when you get down to facts... I have everything documented and all the pictures taken (thousands). And I've browsed lots of examples on the Shutterfly gallery. And bought tons of papers and templates and alphas and elements on DesignerDigitals. And I've tossed around design ideas in my pea brain. In the meantime I've created three other books because in my brainstorming and shopping I'm inspired by other ideas. But at the end of the day, Sean is without a first year book. Poor thing. Hopefully his conflicted mother gets her act together before he heads off to kindergarten.

I wanna be like you

Oh, oobee do
I wanna be like you
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see its true
An ape like me
Can learn to be human too

-- The Monkey Song, from "The Jungle Book"

I've started to listen to my Disney Collection CDs to create that Disney, happy kind of mood wherever I go. We leave for the happiest place on earth in less than 2 weeks. And planning and preparing for the trip is almost as fun as the trip itself. So, I'm on my way to the outlet mall today -- all by myself, which is a treat in itself -- and I find myself smiling when this song from "The Jungle Book" starts playing. You can't help but sing along with it, and maybe even bop your head back and forth too. It's catchy and fun. But beyond this, the lyrics bring three very different, but profound, thoughts to my otherwise preschool brain.

1) Like the ape, I want to be like you. "You" of course being an imaginary "me" who is thinner, prettier, happier, richer, etc., etc. Why is it that we always want to be like someone else? Part of me believes it's good to want to always strive to be better than we are today. Yet, that's the part of me that's always making excuses. The real blessing in life is to love who you are today, in the body you have today, in the house you own today, with the family you have today. I love who I am today -- a mom, a wife, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, and a sister. And I just told my husband earlier today that I love our house. It's really become a home now that Sean has arrived and appears to be staying for a while. And I've always loved my family, including my friends who I consider my family too. But I certainly don't love my body. In fact, I don't even like most of it. For me, 3 out of 4 ain't bad... but it doesn't make me complete. My hope and pray for 2009 is to be healthier than I am today and to like my body no matter its weight or shape.

2) A completely different profound thought: The ape goes on to say, "What I desire is man's red fire to make my dreams come true". This led me to think what it might have been like for the first man or woman who discovered fire. Did they come about it on accident? from a lightening strom? Or did they discover it on their own doing? And then imagine their feelings and expression... awe? wonder? fear? excitement? And do you think they burned themselves badly the first time? Further, I worry about the other people who didn't "discover" it first. Do you think some were jealous? Or did they try and try like hell to start their own fire only to throw down their sticks in frustration like they do on Survivor? We'll never know, but I'm sure the Geico caveman might have some insights for us.

3) The last thought I had was of my dad. This is the kind of song that always reminds me of him. It fits his personality, and I can see him dancing around singing the song. He loved to be goofy at times, and listening to this song made me miss him... fondly. I'm sad Sean won't know him in this life, but I'll try like hell to make sure he knows his Grandpa and what he was like. And perhaps Sean will want to be someone like him.

So maybe my three thoughts weren't so unrelated. OK, the fire was a bit random. You have to admit that it would be cool to have been the first person to discover fire, wouldn't it?