Sunday, June 17, 2012

31 Things :: Story 26 - Desire

In the fifth grade I had to write an essay about the year 2000. At the tender age of 10, I dreamed of what I would be doing twenty years in the future. I remember writing that I would be married and have five boys. I always dreamed I would have lots of kids.

I met Jeff in the year 2000, and we talked about having kids in the same breath as marriage. We both dreamed of our family together. We tried to conceive for five years before we got pregnant with Sean. My body and mind endured numerous pokes, prods, and tests. We tried innumerable intrauterine inseminations, and were successful only once. It ended in miscarriage. We then tried IVF a bunch of times as well as several frozen embryo transfers finally getting pregnant with Sean. Even then the pregnancy was not easy with bleeding throughout the first trimester, and he delivered five weeks early having to stay in the NICU for ten days. But he was perfect. Our dream of being parents had finally come true. Thank you, Lord!

We thought we had it all figured out, and assumed any future attempts to conceive would be a snap. But we were wrong. Four more frozen embryo attempts, all failed. A miraculous conception on our own ended as ectopic. We continue to learn about letting go of the control. You’re only the master of your own destiny for so long. If you really want to fly you need to let go and have faith.

After I found out that our last failed IVF attempt was not a success, Sean found me crying and asked “what’s wrong momma?” I told him I was sad, and he asked why.  I said, “because God hasn’t blessed us with a baby brother or sister for you yet.” He shrugged his shoulders and said,“It’s ok momma. Don’t worry. He’s working on it.” And that, my friends, was the answer. God’s plan is infinitely better than anything we can control.

We are now very excited about growing our family through domestic adoption. After much prayer we believe this is where God is leading us. We’re working with a local agency, and are officially home study approved and licensed to adopt. Sean talks about his baby brother or sister constantly. He desires a baby almost as much we do. Last weekend he climbed into our bed early one morning. Jeff and I were still half asleep and we heard him say, “God, can you bring me a baby brother or sister faster?” I told Jeff later that day that we better get a lawyer lined up quick because God takes children’s prayers seriously!

I want Sean to be the big brother he’s praying to be. I look forward to sleepless nights because I know they are but a few short months, and bring with them endless days of joy. I dream about and pray constantly for our next child’s birth mother, that the Lord brings her peace and joy.

Our deepest desire of growing our family through adoption is completely out of our control. We have no idea who will enter our lives or when that will happen (if at all). Normally we would be a nervous wreck, but we’re not. We have faith. And we have Sean who reminds us that God is working on it. That’s about as good as it gets.

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