Friday, May 18, 2012

Lord, I Give You My Womb - Take 2

Our new year started on chipper note, and things were looking up. Sean’s birthday party was a blast. I started a new life-changing diet and lost 20 pounds in 8 weeks. And we chose an adoption agency, forked over the cash, and started the home study paperwork, training, etc.  We were moving onward and update. It felt good to start a new chapter in our family building. And then God threw us a curve ball.

In the middle of February I started to feel really fatigued, my breasts were unusually tender, and I waited and waited… and waited for my period to start. Friday Feb 24 we woke up to tons of snow, and Jeff decided to work from home. I was one week late, and finally decided to pee on a stick. It was positive. I actually had to go dig the box out of the garbage to make sure I was reading it right. I told Jeff… took a moment to hug him and cry just a little, and then ran off to the fertility center to have a blood test. My HCG was 168. Definitely pregnant.
Looking back now two months later it’s hard to express what our feelings were at the time. The best words I can think of are excited but hesitant and very, very nervous. Both of us were amazed we were able to conceive on our own – that had never happened before. Yet we both knew the situation was tenuous. I’m 42 and we know scientifically that we don't produce very good embryos even when I was much younger. Part of me was also admittedly a little pissed off. We had finally taken the leap into adoption, and now this. Once again God had to smack me in the head to remind me that I’m not the one in control. That weekend we talked a lot about “what ifs”, and waited until Monday to test again.

Monday HCG = 252. Not looking good. It should have at least doubled.

Wednesday HCG = 283. Really not good.

It wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Bummer. We knew our chances were slim, but ready for a miracle. We prayed for an answer either way, and that prayer was answered. While we were at peace with the outcome, it was frustrating trying to figure out how this fit into God’s plan for us but sure that the answer will reveal itself eventually. We still firmly believe God has wonderful things in store for our family. And heck, we were happy not to have to delay our adoption plans.

The next hurdle we faced was my HCG was still rising which meant I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy, and we had to continue to monitor my levels. The HCG continued to creep up, and ultrasound revealed nothing in my uterus. It was confirmed to be ectopic. Ugh. The doctor’s office suddenly became frantic, and immediately prescribed me medicine that would dissolve the growing cells so that we wouldn’t run into a potentially life threatening situation of a ruptured fallopian tupe.

I was going with the flow… all's well that ends well. I was proud of myself for being so strong. But then I got the shot and started to bleed & cramp, and suddenly the tears & sobbing hit me hard. It hurt (a lot), and the emotional pain caught me off guard. I'm sure hormones didn’t help matters. I was at peace, but definitely grieving. It took me about five days to get through the dense fog. And honestly, I’m still not back to where I was but I’m working through it and well on my way.

So, when I said “Lord, I give you my womb” I never thought in a million years that all this would happen. Whoa! It just goes to show that when you think you have things figured out and under control, you really don’t.

Lord, once again I give you my womb (and my child). Your will be done.

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