31 Things :: Story 9 - Money

My first job out of college was as an Admin Assistant and they offered me $22,500. This was in 1992, and I was PYSCHED! I remember talking to a co-worker at the Hallmark shop where I was a part timer, “I’ll bring home $1500 a month. The only bills I have to pay are my student loan, car payment, gas, and insurance.  I’m going to have like $500 leftover every month!” Woohoo. I thought I was the cat’s meow.

I was lucky to live at home with my parents after college rent-free. When I was 28 I decided to buy my own condo. I was making a lot more money by that point, and it was burning a hole in my pocket.  A few years later, Jeff and I married and were able to use the profit made on the sale of the condo as part of a down payment for our house (Jeff also had significant savings).

We were affectionately known as DINKs– dual-income, no kids. We both had high paying jobs, and we enjoyed more than a few great vacations. Disney World, San Fran, London/Ireland, and Hawaii. We also started infertility treatments which were mostly paid for by our HMO insurance, thank heavens. In 2005 we decided I would quit my full time job to focus on starting our family. Suddenly we went from being DINKs to SINKs. Whoa, big change. But we were able to keep our heads above water.

Then Jeff lost his job in December 2009. Now we were a no income with a toddler family (don’t think there’s an acronym for that!). We were optimistic he would get a new job soon, so we didn’t change our lifestyle too drastically. But we should have. He was out of work for 18 months. In that time we did start to buckle down and watch what we were spending. I started couponing and doing better with meal planning so we wouldn’t be tempted to eat out. For a while we were able to keep up with paying off our credit card bill monthly, but eventually we had to start carrying a balance. Once we started to drown, we played the credit card game by opening up new credit cards to transfer balances on 0% interest offers. Ugh.

Jeff received & accepted a job offer last May. Woohoo. I kind of went crazy with spending. I felt like a kid in a candy store, but I can’t even tell you what I bought. In January we sat down to do a budget, and this is when I realized how much debt we incurred while he was out of work. We ended up cutting things out of our budget, and recommitted to only spend money on things we need. Can we do better? Absolutely. But it’s at least good to know where we stand.

Next week we had planned a vacation to Mackinac Island in Michigan to celebrate our 10 year anniversary, but once we did our budget realized we couldn’t afford it. So now we’re doing a staycation right here in Chicago, and being tourists in our own town. We also have a Disney trip planned for December using our DVC membership, and enough reward points on our credit card to buy park passes.

Our last big purchase was to start the adoption process in February. That was a big decision and beaucoup bucks, but one that we were willing to make concessions in other areas of our life in order to finance. Praying it’s worth it.

31 Things :: Story 8 - Transportation

Driving was never a big thing for me – many of my high school friends had cars, and I was perfectly content with them driving everywhere. Even in college I didn’t have a car which proved a bit of a hassle when I moved off campus my sophomore year. However, I could easily take the city bus to campus and that’s what I did.

My junior year in college I studied business overseas in Maastricht, the Netherlands. We were told we could buy a used bike from an old man behind our apartment building. He sold bikes out of his basement, and didn’t speak English which made the transaction interesting. But soon my friends and I were all outfitted with bikes. Through rain and snow. Over bridges and through tunnels. Often with a load of laundry. Once I got caught riding between parked cars and a moving bus. My hand caught the brunt of it, but it’s fun to say I was hit by a bus. It was an adventure.

Trains were our second mode of transportation, and we quickly figured out the complexity of the European train system. One time I traveled solo to visit my German pen pal. Not even a ½ hour into my trip I needed to change trains in Aachen, Germany. Unfortunately I got off at Aachen instead of Aachen West, and just as fast as I figured it was a freight station they closed the doors behind me. The train whished off leaving me behind. I sat down and cried. Luckily there was a train schedule posted so I could see another train would come in an hour, so I waited … and cried some more. My trip took 5 hours, and since I was coming in an hour late I wasn’t even sure my friend would be there to pick me up. But she was, and I was never so happy to see someone! She and her boyfriend ended up driving me home that weekend. I guess they didn’t want to risk me getting lost in the German countryside. Whew.

During my Senior year of college my parents bequeathed me the Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme which was affectionately called, “The Timex” because it took a lickin’ and kept on tickin’. It survived an accident and being stolen, stripped & recovered in downtown Chicago. It was reliable, that’s for sure. And it served me well for a few years until I could afford to buy my own car. In 1993 I bought a Geo Prizm, and loved that little car for about eight years.

In 2001 I sold the Prizm to my cousin, and upgraded to a VW Passat that we still own today. I love this car and appreciate the power and control of German engineering. I don’t, however, like the price tag of maintenance. Ouch. That same year Jeff bought a Ford Excursion because it was (and still is) the largest passenger vehicle on the road. He’s like that – the bigger, the better. These are the two vehicles we own today, but unfortunately because of the gas mileage & Jeff’s long commute I’m stuck driving the Excursion and he’s stuck driving the Passat. Neither of us are very happy with the arrangement. Jeff would rather be in a bigger vehicle, and he hates how much it costs to maintain the Passat. I REALLY hate how big the Excursion is, and people hear me complain about it at least once a week. It’s like trying to park a space shuttle.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I dream of owning a minivan.
There, I said it.

31 Things :: Story 7 - Work

Today’s really not the best day for me to write about work. I’m frustrated and aggravated. I’ve been teaching marketing and advertising classes for an online university the past nine years. The money is good, you can’t beat working in your PJs, and it allows me the flexibility to be a work at home mom which is important to me.

I take my job seriously – I’m not just in this for the money. I want students to appreciate, and maybe even love, the art of marketing and advertising. Sure, many students don’t give a damn. But I expect them to at least read the textbook, submit assignments on time, and put forth effort.

Unfortunately I’ve become jaded in nine years dealing with students who want to be rewarded for showing up at the last minute and paying tuition. And last year the university came up with a faculty scoring system that’s based on end of course surveys. Great! [said with a high degree of sarcasm] Now the students who want to be rewarded for just showing up – perhaps plagiarizing their work and getting caught – are pissed that they’re failing and have an outlet to blame it on me. That in itself wouldn’t be so bad, but the calculations make it nearly impossible to get a high score. For the life of me I can’t figure out how I can receive 15 positive reviews, 4 negative and receive only 1 point out of a possible 15. This is what was emailed to me this morning.

Sure, I could not put forth as much effort. Not read the papers as closely and thoroughly as I do, and not give as detailed feedback and as a result award higher grades. I can make sure everyone who shows up and submits assignments passes. This would be one way to increase my score. And gosh, it would be a lot easier for me to spend less time and not have to deal with
angry students.

But I won’t compromise my work.

Yet it feels like that’s what the University wants me to do. What’s disturbing is I know there are instructors who are doing this. I’ve had students retake a class, and submit to me their previous work and grade feedback. Other faculty have given them a perfect score for work that doesn’t even address the assignment objectives. Ugh.

On days like today I dream of doing something else. For 12 years I worked in corporate marketing, but the idea of going back to working outside of the home makes me queezy. I take on part time projects from time to time with my previous employer which is great money, but not consistent or reliable. My creative spirit fueled by my business sense longs to start my own business… yet being a perfectionist and not much of a risk-taker holds me back. Someday. Right now my priority is being a mom to a small child and hopefully another on the way through adoption. Jeff and I have talked about me being a stay at home mom full time, but we can’t do it right now financially.

So here I sit. Grading papers, and gritting my teeth.

31 Things :: Story 6 - Dear Me

Dear 16 year old me,

I swear I was just you yesterday, but my size 20 jeans tell me it was long ago. You look gorgeous in your size 13 jeans. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a size 6. Embrace yourself. That perm on the other hand I’d advise not doing again. The 80’s were not kind when it came to fashion.

I’m 42 years old now. I know you’re thinking that by 42 you’d like to be a Pulitzer prize-winning author or the President of a local small business, happily married to your college sweetheart and raising three teenagers on the east coast. Well, your world is about to get rocked. But chin up, it only lasts a short time and I promise you that God has bigger plans for you. You’re going to move across country and attend three high schools by the time you graduate. Ouch. It sucks, I know. But believe me when I say you will grow to become a strong, patient, independent woman because of it. Even though you have your heart set on Penn State, you’ll attend Indiana University and have the time of your life (don’t be stupid when you study overseas in the Netherlands. It’s best to just avoid alcohol altogether). The Midwest will be your home, and you won’t be able to imagine it any other way.

Life is not always going to go the way you want but that’s OK. Trust your instincts and trust God. I promise He won’t let you down. You’ll lose your job, your dad will die unexpectedly, you’ll face infertility, and miscarry a few babies. None of this is what you have planned for your life, but trust me when I say you’ll be fine. Your faith is strong, and you’ll surround yourself with good people. My 42 year old self needs to remind herself of this often.

Get ready 16 year old me, because all of your dreams will come true plus more! Stop worrying about your love life because you’ll meet the most wonderful man on the internet (you don’t know what that is yet, but it’s going to connect people and information like you’ve never imagined), and get married. You’ll have an amazing son who will remind you how loved and blessed you are. You’ll love being a mom. Your favorite part of the day will be first thing in the morning when Sean smiles at you. But you’ll battle with him daily to clean up his toys. The apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to being messy. You will dream of having more children, and take a risk by pursuing adoption. That might be hard for your 16 year old mind to grasp, but you will be amazed how much love your heart can hold if you allow it.

You have been and will continue to be a perfectionist to a fault, but we’re working on that. It’s hard to be everything to everybody, and you’ll often get overwhelmed by what you believe is being expected of you. Keep the house clean & tidy, stay ahead of grading papers, play & do crafts with Sean, eat right, exercise, be a super mom, cultivate your creativity, and more. Be gentle and remind yourself to continue working on being the best ME you can be in each moment. Be content.

 “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around, it may pass you by.”  -- Ferris Bueller*

*Go see this movie next month – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s going to be one of your favorite movies of all time!

31 Things :: Story 5 - Conversations

For as long as I can remember, I longed to be a mommy. The smell of Johnson’s baby wash gets me high. I can’t get enough of little piggies. I swore I’d never feed my child hot dogs, but now quickly zap a dog in the microwave like a pro. I can give my child “the look” and he knows to go to the naughty spot. I rock my little person back to sleep after a bad dream, and I kiss every boo boo. And will gladly kiss a thousand more boo boos. Because that’s what moms do. Moms rock.

But in no way did I anticipate loving the conversations I’d have with my little guy. I’m a work at home mom teaching college classes online so most of my adult conversations are via email and instant message. I talk to Jeff on the phone a few times each day, and maybe my mom or mother-in-law. But the majority of my conversations are with Sean -- the four year old going on thirty-five who could easily be a lawyer when he grows up, but my aunt says he’s too smart to be a lawyer. Thank goodness I’m on Facebook to have conversations about my conversations with Sean. The best have been documented forever…

"Sean, come clean up your toys." ... "Mommy, the problem with that is there is just too much." ... "Yep, that's why you have to pick it up."... "Well, then I quit."

"Sean, I love you to the moon and back" ... "Mommy, I love you to God and back."... He wins.

Jeff was trying to tell Sean about the Ten Commandments.  Sean said, "Daddy, don't make me use my tone with you."

Recently we were talking to Sean about how God hasn’t blessed us with a baby brother or sister for him yet, and he said, “It’s ok, don’t worry. He’s working on it.” Out of the mouths of babes.

“Mom, this bathroom is a mess! There's pee on the wall, cabinet and toilet.” 
I scream, “WHY ARE YOU PEEING ALL OVER THE BATHROOM???” Sean chuckles, “I didn't do it! My pee pee did.”

“Mommy, I love you so much I want to marry you.” … “But I'm already married to Daddy.” …”Oh, then I'll marry my Trio blocks.”

Saying prayers with Sean tonight... he said, "God, bring me a baby brother or sister, and put a baby in mommy's belly." I explain that not all brothers and sisters come to a family through mommy's belly. Sometimes they are born in another mommy's tummy (adoption), and then come to live with us. Sean replies, "Well, God can you deliver us a baby by UPS?"

"Mommy, you're the bestest thing is all of life"... now, that's a nice way to start your week.

31 Things :: Story 4 - Faith

From life’s little road bumps to powerful moments to great changes in my life, my faith has been a constant place of refuge. I was baptized Catholic as a baby, attended church with my family every Sunday, and even attended Catholic school for 12 years. There were years when I had my doubts and felt I didn’t need God, but He gently brought me back. I’m in a good place now -- one where I’m aware but seeking a closer relationship with God. Every day I spend time reading the daily scripture and praying, and every week I go to Eucharistic Adoration and spend an hour with Jesus and write to Him in my prayer journal.

Lately I’ve been praying for control and focus in my days. Every week I write in my prayer journal about it and ask the Lord for help and grace to be able to focus and gain control back particularly over my diet and exercise and my schedule. This past week I felt ashamed to write it AGAIN.

And then I decided to go back to the beginning of the year and read my prayers in my journal. Wouldn’t you know EVERY week I prayed for focus, control and simplicity! And then I had my “aha” moment. All along I’ve been praying for control – how stupid is that? What I need to be praying is for God to take control, and for me to stop stressing about it so much.

So that’s what I wrote – “Lord, I give you my life.” … and then immediately following, “but how the heck do I do that?” And He answered “pray… spend more time with me, and I’ll show you.”

Immediately following writing in my prayer journal I went back to reading a new book I got for free on my Kindle by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. And his words reinforced my “aha” moment… “Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.” He goes on to explain that often as Christians “we think and live like the movie of life is all about us” and God is there on the sidelines to consult with us when we feel we need help. Or like we’re playing a sport and God is our biggest cheerleader. When in reality the movie is about God – he created the scene, and the characters, and is directing the action. He should be making the calls on the field, and all we have to do is listen and do as He asks.

Since my “aha” moment I have been fairly diligent about prayer. Both dedicated quiet prayer time each day AND talking to God throughout my day. Last week I couldn’t find my car keys, and I didn’t immediately fret about it assuming they were in a coat pocket somewhere. I used Jeff’s keys in the meantime and/or Jeff drove so I never thought about the fact – or worried – that my keys were missing. This morning I went to take Sean to preschool and remembered that my keys were still missing. I suddenly became very anxious about the fact that my keys hadn’t been found yet. The worry started to build up in me, and I remembered to pray… or more like God was reminding me not to worry. I asked the Lord (and St. Anthony) to help me find my keys and they reassured me that it was well within their control. I let go of the worry and moved on with my day.

Later that day I found the keys laying in the bottom of a basket in the mud room. I said out loud, “Thank you, Lord!” And He replied, “I told you so!”

31 Things :: Story 3 - Read

I've always loved reading. When I was a little girl I knew exactly where to find Beverly Cleary books in the library. And on my 12th birthday – my golden birthday – my Godparents sent me a big box full of books across the country. The postman ran my doorbell at the exact minute of my birth 12:09pm. This was when I was first introduced to Sweet Valley High, and there was no turning back. I love me a good boy meets girl story.

In my 20’s I was hooked on the Oprah book club, and would also be found checking out astrology books. Clearly I was torn between following the crowd and trying to find my own way. Throw in the Left Behind series and we find at my core I was searching for answers.
Enter graduate school and then dating Jeff, and my late twenties/early thirties didn’t see much face time with books outside of a textbook. Then we got engaged and my reading turned to bridal magazines and wedding planning books.

Once married we started to try to start our family which wasn’t coming as easily as we’d hoped. So back to the nonfiction aisle of the bookstore to learn about infertility and how to cope.  At this time I also engaged in fertility discussion boards online and spent many hours reading other women’s stories as well as sharing my own. This has evolved into my love of following blogs today.

When I finally did get pregnant, my nose was buried in every “what you should expect when you’re expecting” kind of book. And once Sean was born any free time I did have to read was to look up on the internet how to get your baby to sleep.

My husband reminded me today that most of the reading I have done for the past nine years has been marketing & advertising papers. Nearly every week for the past nine years I’ve graded anywhere from 20-65 college papers – that’s a lot of reading.

In 2009 I purchased my first Kindle and fell in love – an electronic gadget that you can read books on! And last year I splurged and purchased the Kindle Fire so I can read books, watch videos, browse the web, plays games, and listen to music. I LOVE IT. Nowadays I find more time to read for pleasure. I check out Kindle books through my library which was a necessity while Jeff was out of work, but I now I just love the anticipation of waiting for a book on hold. In the past few years I’ve been drawn to young adult fiction and most recently the dystopia genre – loved the Hunger Games, and currently on the waiting list at the library for the Divergent series.

This year I’ve committed myself to reading faith-based books and daily scripture readings in the Bible. It’s been an amazing journey, and a necessary one in order to open my heart to release some of my anxieties and fears.

Then again, isn’t this why I’ve always loved to read?

31 Things :: Story 2 - Morning

I’m not a morning person. Never have been, and I’m guessing I never will be. If I had my way I would stay up until 2am and sleep until 10am. But alas, the world does not revolve around me and my alarm clock buzzes every morning at 7:30am. I hit the snooze at least once and most mornings I drag my butt out of bed at 7:39am.

Some mornings Sean crawls into bed with us, and this morning was no different. “Let’s snuggle, Mommy.” Who can resist snuggling? Depending on when he crawls into bed, we can snuggle for a while but this morning he didn’t wake up until 7:35am so it was only for a few minutes.

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I either have a live class lecture or office hours online at 8am. And Tuesdays and Thursdays Sean has preschool at 8:30am. So every day we must get up and get moving. And yes, I always set my alarm for 7:30am because we don’t need much time to get ready and eat breakfast. I would rather be sleeping and I don’t shower in the morning (remember the stinky part?).

Lately we’ve been trying to get Sean to sleep later in the morning and not crawl into our bed at an ungodly early hour. We’ve told him he has to stay in his room. Sounds like a fine and dandy plan but at 6:45am when he’s talking directly into his monitor “Mommmmmy!” sounding eerily like Darth Vadar over and over and over again... not so fine. A change in strategy is required.

After dragging our butts out of bed I get Sean’s clothes & toothbrush ready for him. He goes potty,
brushes his teeth and dresses himself. Meanwhile, I’m doing the same thing. He’s pretty pokey and I usually have to tell him over and over again -- “potty, brush your teeth, and get dressed” about ten times.

Meanwhile I start making breakfast. This morning it was scrambled eggs with a bit of sharp cheddar, salt & pepper along with breakfast sausage (Jones brand which is gluten and nitrate free - yummy!). Other mornings Sean might have instant oatmeal or “crunchy” cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) and I’ll make a protein shake (strawberry, blueberry or chocolate depending on my mood) for myself. And a banana to go just about every morning.

And then we’re off to start our day! Sleepy eyes and all.

31 Things :: Story 1 - Jewelry

I’ve never been much of a bling girl, at most wearing a ring or two and maybe a necklace. Being a work at home mom with a 4 year old, there are many days when I don’t even have time to take a shower and putting on jewelry just feels wrong when you’re stinky and dirty. However, I make a conscious effort to put on at least my wedding ring because I want to remind myself often what a lucky girl I am to be married to my best friend.

This month we’re celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. I remember when we went looking at rings before we got engaged. It was at Persin & Robbin in downtown Arlington Heights with Cliff, an old family friend of Jeff’s. We looked at many rings, but I was drawn to this one. I loved the princess cut diamond, and how it floated above the band of diamonds. The one we saw in the store was white gold, but I really wanted yellow gold because I wasn’t much of a “silver” jewelry girl at the time and figured the yellow gold would be more timeless.

The engagement ring was custom made. The band in yellow gold with a channel of diamonds, and the princess cut diamond floats above in a white gold setting. The wedding band was tricky to design since the setting on the engagement ring jutted out, and I didn’t want the two to be soldered together. I wanted the option to be able to wear the wedding band on its own (as my mom said, “I can’t see you changing poopy diapers with that diamond!”). They did a fantastic job – the rings looks fabulous together, but equally gorgeous on their own.

Ten years ago this month Jeff placed this wedding ring on my finger – engraved with the word “Forever” – and we became one. Our priest told us that day that marriage is a miracle in progress, and those words couldn’t have been more appropriate.  Together we’ve faced job loss, depression, illness, death of loved ones, pregnancy loss and infertility. Each obstacle was difficult to face individually but we always knew the other was there, and with the grace of God we found the strength to overcome and move forward together.  Our marriage is definitely a miracle in progress and just like this wedding band, I’m excited to see what God has in store for us around the bend.

I’m proud to wear this ring everyday (even when I’m stinky!), and count my marriage as one of the greatest blessings in my life.

31 Things

I had read about this online workshop through Big Picture Scarapbooking taught by Ali Edwards called 31 things. The description said, "31 Things is about capturing life right now but will be much more in-depth on a single daily subject." I thought, "hmmm that sounds interesting but I don't have time". Then it kept gnawing at me, so I signed up the day before the workshop started. Heck, if I can document every day in the month of December I can write everyday during the spring.

Everyday I will receive an email that prompts me to document one story from my everyday life. The class materials allow you to make a 12x12" album, but I decided to go smaller with a 6x9" photo book from Blurb. I want to keep the 12x12 photo book size for the big family vacations, and other big special events. The 6x9" feels more personal and intimate to me which is what these stories are all about.

I've decided to share my stories and pages here on my blog for a few reasons. One, my family & friends will probably be interested in my stories since I'm guessing they'll be mentioned in quite a few of them. And two, some of you may be inspired to join the class and/or take on a similar type of project for yourself. There may be a few stories that I decide to keep personal, but I'm not sure yet until they are actually written.

Here's my title page... the first story is coming your way tomorrow.

I know, the anticipation is killing you :-)

Lord, I Give You My Womb - Take 2

Our new year started on chipper note, and things were looking up. Sean’s birthday party was a blast. I started a new life-changing diet and lost 20 pounds in 8 weeks. And we chose an adoption agency, forked over the cash, and started the home study paperwork, training, etc.  We were moving onward and update. It felt good to start a new chapter in our family building. And then God threw us a curve ball.

In the middle of February I started to feel really fatigued, my breasts were unusually tender, and I waited and waited… and waited for my period to start. Friday Feb 24 we woke up to tons of snow, and Jeff decided to work from home. I was one week late, and finally decided to pee on a stick. It was positive. I actually had to go dig the box out of the garbage to make sure I was reading it right. I told Jeff… took a moment to hug him and cry just a little, and then ran off to the fertility center to have a blood test. My HCG was 168. Definitely pregnant.

Looking back now two months later it’s hard to express what our feelings were at the time. The best words I can think of are excited but hesitant and very, very nervous. Both of us were amazed we were able to conceive on our own – that had never happened before. Yet we both knew the situation was tenuous. I’m 42 and we know scientifically that we don't produce very good embryos even when I was much younger. Part of me was also admittedly a little pissed off. We had finally taken the leap into adoption, and now this. Once again God had to smack me in the head to remind me that I’m not the one in control. That weekend we talked a lot about “what ifs”, and waited until Monday to test again.

Monday HCG = 252. Not looking good. It should have at least doubled.

Wednesday HCG = 283. Really not good.

It wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Bummer. We knew our chances were slim, but ready for a miracle. We prayed for an answer either way, and that prayer was answered. While we were at peace with the outcome, it was frustrating trying to figure out how this fit into God’s plan for us but sure that the answer will reveal itself eventually. We still firmly believe God has wonderful things in store for our family. And heck, we were happy not to have to delay our adoption plans.

The next hurdle we faced was my HCG was still rising which meant I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy, and we had to continue to monitor my levels. The HCG continued to creep up, and ultrasound revealed nothing in my uterus. It was confirmed to be ectopic. Ugh. The doctor’s office suddenly became frantic, and immediately prescribed me medicine that would dissolve the growing cells so that we wouldn’t run into a potentially life threatening situation of a ruptured fallopian tupe.

I was going with the flow… all's well that ends well. I was proud of myself for being so strong. But then I got the shot and started to bleed & cramp, and suddenly the tears & sobbing hit me hard. It hurt (a lot), and the emotional pain caught me off guard. I'm sure hormones didn’t help matters. I was at peace, but definitely grieving. It took me about five days to get through the dense fog. And honestly, I’m still not back to where I was but I’m working through it and well on my way.

So, when I said “Lord, I give you my womb” I never thought in a million years that all this would happen. Whoa! It just goes to show that when you think you have things figured out and under control, you really don’t.

Lord, once again I give you my womb (and my child). Your will be done.