Latest crazy thoughts on possibly being pregnant...

I feel relatively normal. And 78% of the time I forget that I could possibly be pregnant. A very busy 18mo will do that to a gal. But the other 12% of time could drive me to the nut house. Every once in a while I think my boobs are sore, but then when I squish them purposefully - nothing. One thing is for certain, food tastes different to me. Nothing tastes good. Which sucks. I love food. The science experiment feeling in my uterus comes every now and then. It's reassuring for some reason. And it reminds me to sit down and put my feet up. I'm also starting to get that exhausted, tired feeling. Today I laid down on the floor in the playroom and said to Sean, "Mommy is so tired and could use a kiss." He promptly walked over, leaned down, and planted a wet one smack on my lips. How lucky am I?

All of these symptoms can simply be effects from the drugs. Estrogen and mega-doses of Progesterone (shot into my ass with a a needle rivaling the size of Seattle's famous skyscraper) bring about a host of pregnancy-like feelings. Nothing like whigging out an {in}Fertility patient with the possibility of false hopes.

Maggie, the cleaning lady, comes tomorrow. Gotta love that. Except tonight we have to clean for the cleaning lady. Which sucks (not as much as the non-tasty food, however). I've had to take a few breaks from the effort. Hence, blogging.

I love...

• The way you are so determined to use your fork while eating.
  
• How you say "wow" in a low whisper when you see something amazing. We don't know where you learned it. It's like you've always known what it means.
  
• Your profile. You're so darn cute. I dream what you will be and do as you grow up. For now I try to memorize what you look like today because I know you will grow up very fast.
  
• When you pull me or daddy by our hand. You are a social person and often want us to play with you instead of playing by yourself.
  
• Your emotions. You get frustrated rather easily when things don't come easily. Like when you try to master your fine motor skills such as placing the Little People flag on the petting zoo farm. You try a few times and then grunt "ugh" and stomp your foot.
  
• How gentle and loving you are with your twin baby cousins. You always kiss their heads or whatever part of their body you can reach. And you are so careful and protective when you are near them. It warms my heart to see your empathy and gives me a glimpse of what a great big brother you will be one day soon.
  
• How you say "cheese" when we take your picture. You often pretend some of your toys are a camera and walk around with the toy to your face saying "cheese".
  
• That you can say "bless" and know how to fold your hands when we say "amen".
  How you are (usually) a very good boy in church, and a big smile comes across your face when we say, "Let's go see Jesus".
  
• When you are mezmorized by the stained glass windows at church.
  
• How you blow kisses when we put you down to sleep. You started this tradition on your own. We're not sure if you're saying "thank you" or just blowing kisses. Either way it shows how loving you are, and that makes my heart bubble with joy.
  
• How excited you are to see "da da" every time he comes home, walks into the room, or comes down the stairs. You are not shy about showing your emotions.
  
• That you give kisses like they're going out of style. You now give kisses on my cheek... my arm, belly, knee, toes. Any part of my body you can reach.
  
• How curious you are. Everything is a new adventure for you. Grampy has called you Inspector Clouseau since you were a baby, and it still holds true.
  
• The way you have a knack for mechanics. A few weeks ago you picked up a wrench in the garage and went straight to your bike. You placed it on your bike handle and started turning it. We don't know where you learned it since you've never seen daddy using a wrench before.
  
• How you love to tickle and be tickled. You wiggle your fingers and say "ticka ticka ticka".
  
• Everything about you. Your 18 months old and I love you more and more every day.
  
  
  

The miracle of life

I'm a couch potato this weekend. It's a tough life, but someone's gotta live it. I'm resigned to the fact that my husband will try as best he can to wait on me hand and foot. But since I don't really look sick AT ALL he's often forgetting this fact. I'm not. My uterus feels like a science experiment about to go bad.

Rewind 36 hours ago. We arrived at the fertility center practically on the shores of Lake Michigan. And if you know where I live you realize what a hike this was for us! I dragged my lazy butt out of bed at 4:30am, showered, dressed, checked email, and finished last minute preparations for Sean's caretakers for the day. We really are blessed with good friends who are willing to drop everything and help us by watching Sean for the day. In our case it takes a village to make a baby, let alone raise a child!

The fertility center was freezing. Either they didn't want bacteria to breed there, or it was so damn early there wasn't enough body heat radiating through the place. We were there for what is called a frozen embryo transfer. Which has nothing to do with the temperature of the center. It's essentially thawing the tiniest of babies and placing them in my uterus. When we went through IVF the last time (of many!), we produced four healthy embryos and only transferred two. The other two were cyroperserved, and this day we were transferring them into the fluffy confines of my uterus in hopes of getting pregnant again.

Our journey to parenthood was very long with its ups and downs, but it was all worth it. Sean is more than we ever dreamed. Right now I'm wathing him play with his trucks. Looking back, it's surreal. This time around I'm very content in accepting God's will for our lives. My faith is strong, but I'm only human. Not so very long ago I struggled with leaving it all up to Him. Sounds crazy, I know. But when the longing to be a mother burns in every fiber of your being, and it doesn't seem as if it's going to be reality, you start to question your faith. In hindsight it all becomes clear. He didn't place that longing in me only to say "nah!". It was only that I needed to wait for His perfect time.

I'm feeling ok. A bit tired from the trek and anethesia from yesterday. I have some cramping and I can't remember if that happened to me in the past. Never before did I chronicle my symptoms this early in the game. However, suddenly the feeling of being in tune with every twinge, pinch, and ache in my body comes rushing back to me. It doesn't bring back pleasant memories, and this scares me a bit. Deep breathing. My faith is strong.

As I was saying, this time is different emotionally. Our prayers have already been answered - we're parents. Any siblings for Sean will be icing on the cake. In two weeks time we will have taken a pregnancy test and know if we are pregnant or not. Right now there are two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny babies inside of me trying to decide if they are going to stick around. Literally.