31 Things :: Story 26 - Desire

In the fifth grade I had to write an essay about the year 2000. At the tender age of 10, I dreamed of what I would be doing twenty years in the future. I remember writing that I would be married and have five boys. I always dreamed I would have lots of kids.

I met Jeff in the year 2000, and we talked about having kids in the same breath as marriage. We both dreamed of our family together. We tried to conceive for five years before we got pregnant with Sean. My body and mind endured numerous pokes, prods, and tests. We tried innumerable intrauterine inseminations, and were successful only once. It ended in miscarriage. We then tried IVF a bunch of times as well as several frozen embryo transfers finally getting pregnant with Sean. Even then the pregnancy was not easy with bleeding throughout the first trimester, and he delivered five weeks early having to stay in the NICU for ten days. But he was perfect. Our dream of being parents had finally come true. Thank you, Lord!

We thought we had it all figured out, and assumed any future attempts to conceive would be a snap. But we were wrong. Four more frozen embryo attempts, all failed. A miraculous conception on our own ended as ectopic. We continue to learn about letting go of the control. You’re only the master of your own destiny for so long. If you really want to fly you need to let go and have faith.

After I found out that our last failed IVF attempt was not a success, Sean found me crying and asked “what’s wrong momma?” I told him I was sad, and he asked why.  I said, “because God hasn’t blessed us with a baby brother or sister for you yet.” He shrugged his shoulders and said,“It’s ok momma. Don’t worry. He’s working on it.” And that, my friends, was the answer. God’s plan is infinitely better than anything we can control.

We are now very excited about growing our family through domestic adoption. After much prayer we believe this is where God is leading us. We’re working with a local agency, and are officially home study approved and licensed to adopt. Sean talks about his baby brother or sister constantly. He desires a baby almost as much we do. Last weekend he climbed into our bed early one morning. Jeff and I were still half asleep and we heard him say, “God, can you bring me a baby brother or sister faster?” I told Jeff later that day that we better get a lawyer lined up quick because God takes children’s prayers seriously!

I want Sean to be the big brother he’s praying to be. I look forward to sleepless nights because I know they are but a few short months, and bring with them endless days of joy. I dream about and pray constantly for our next child’s birth mother, that the Lord brings her peace and joy.

Our deepest desire of growing our family through adoption is completely out of our control. We have no idea who will enter our lives or when that will happen (if at all). Normally we would be a nervous wreck, but we’re not. We have faith. And we have Sean who reminds us that God is working on it. That’s about as good as it gets.

31 Things :: Story 25 - Outside

I like being outside. Notice I didn’t say “love” because I’m just as much a homebody. I love me a cozy blanket snuggled on the couch. I love my air conditioning. I love sleeping late huddled under my covers. I love my computer. Aaack! Did I just say that?

But I do like being outside. I remember playing ghost in the graveyard when I was a kid, and running through the sprinkler, pretending to play gas station with the water hose, and splashing around in the pool. Many of my fondest childhood memories were spent outdoors.

I remember fishing with my dad on our summer vacations. One time we got caught in a rainstorm, and he had a hard time getting the motor started. My sister and I huddled under his raincoat and worried we would sink before getting back to shore. We did finally reach shore and my dad made us all hot bouillon soup in coffee mugs as we wrapped ourselves in towels.

When I got older, my parents owned a summer home in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. It’s an amazing place where suddenly you feel as if you’ve been lifted into a different world. Fewer cars, rolling hills, tall pine trees, eagles soaring, loons calling, lakes as smooth as glass, endless starry nights. Amazing. If you don’t believe in God, you will after being here.

Jeff and I enjoy biking and hiking but haven’t done either I think since Sean was born. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re too busy, but something tells me it’s probably because we’re too lazy.  We have an incredible park down the street from our house with plenty of wooded & open plain trails. I used to walk there all the time before Sean was born. Now that he’s old enough to walk with us I think we’ll add it to our summer bucket list.

We have a great yard, but let’s be honest I don’t enjoy doing yardwork. I enjoy the fruits of the labor but, heck, I hate the labor. We’ve been lucky to have a great spring with plenty of sunny, cool days. I spent one day in the yard weeding and haven’t been out since. I really need to make a commitment to plant some annuals, and spend some time on the deck reading.

Yet, my blanket and the couch are calling my name.

31 Things :: Story 24 - Relationship

I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a friend. I’m a neighbor. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a child of God.

I have many relationships in my life. On the one hand I’m blessed. Oh so blessed to have all of these people to love and support me. But on the other hand, it is a lot of work to love and nurture all of these relationships. All of these people mean SO MUCH to me, and it can get overwhelming at times to think about whether I’m doing everything I can to serve them.

My mom was my first best friend. I was and still am her baby, and a spoiled brat because of it. Navigating our changing relationship as we grow older is tricky. After my dad passed away, she’s been working through grief and trying to find herself again. It’s been rough. Roles are reversing, and she seeks my advice and friendship often. I sometimes have a hard time balancing being her baby and being her friend.

My siblings and I have a great relationship. We love and respect each other, and know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and adjust accordingly. Growing up I didn’t have a close relationship with my sister, Kari, who is six years older than me. She was my big sister, and we were far enough apart in age to never have similar interests. That’s all changed now, and we’re very close friends. It makes me happy.

Friendships are important to me, and I’ve always surrounded myself with close friends. My best friend from when I was a kid, my best friend from high school, and my best friends from college. Most live in the area, but I don’t see them nearly enough. I really struggle with this because there doesn’t seem to be enough time to nurture these friendships. We get together for special occasions and holidays, but otherwise too much time passes without really connecting. A big part of me wishes this was a priority for me because I miss the friendships.

But I’m now married with a child and own a home in a suburban neighborhood. I count myself lucky to have such awesome neighbors. A few of which I call my friends. Part of me wishes I could nurture these relationships and find closer friends, but something is holding me back. I’m blaming it on time but I’m not sure if this is the real reason or not.

Without a doubt my best friend today is my husband, Jeff. I can share anything with him without judgment, and he’s gotten to be a pretty good listener and doesn’t always try to “fix” things for me. He is my rock, my strength, and my comfort. We can use more alone time in this busy world. But we often find ourselves many nights laying next to one another in the dark talking until the wee hours of the night.

I won’t hide the fact that I love being a mom. Sean is the most amazing kid ever. I know we prayed a long time for him, and clearly God was working his magic. It’s the hardest relationship for me to manage and nurture. But man, it’s worth it.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about my relationship with God. It’s one I think about and work towards every day. This wasn’t always the case, and some days still I fail miserably. But I’m working on it. I talk to Him throughout my day, and pray that my heart and my eyes are open to listen to His reply. I figure if I can get this relationship right, all the others will fall into place.

31 Things :: Story 23 - Write

My friend Monica and I started writing a novel when we were about fourteen years old. I would write a chapter, then she would write a chapter, and then we’d talk about it into the wee hours of the night on the phone. It was a boy meets girl, girl falls in love with boy young adult novel. We were convinced we would be the youngest published authors ever. I have no idea what ever happened with that novel. But I knew I loved to write. I always have.

I remember taking English Comp freshman year in college, and waiting until the last possible moment to write an assignment.

My friend Ed was in my small group where we shared what we had written, and he looked at me with wide eyes asking, “You just wrote that this morning?” Writing has always come easily to me, and I really enjoy it. So much so that I minored in Creative Writing in college.

With that said, I’ve always struggled with keeping a journal. Even as a child I asked for a diary but only filled about one-quarter of it. When I studied overseas I did a decent job of keeping a journal and I’m so glad that I did so I can look back and read about all of the gory (and wonderful!) details my memory has since forgotten.

Since I’ve started digital scrapbooking I’ve gotten back to journaling, but that’s only in the layouts and albums I create. I started blogging a few years ago but I’m not consistent or diligent about that either.

Over the past year I have been keeping a prayer journal that I write in once a week when I go to Eucharistic Adoration. It’s the first time I’ve been consistent with writing, and I love the fact that I’m able to pour out my heart in both thanks and petition to the Lord. It’s time for me to work through all that I’m thinking and feeling – and not just with myself but with Jesus. Some weeks I’ll even work on a detailed schedule for my week during Adoration and work it though with God. I can’t think of a better way to spend my time writing. And I’m so thankful that He called me back to this art form that I love.

31 Things :: Story 22 - Spot

My favorite spot is…

In my husband’s arms… where I feel the most safe and loved. He has big, strong arms and the way he holds me I just know that he adores and loves me without limit.

Snuggling with my son… where my heart swells with joy. I knew I would love being a mom, but this is an amazing feeling.

In my bed, reading a good book… where my worries melt away. I love to snuggle under the covers and feel their weight comforting me.

On my computer... where I lose myself in creativity. I’m not talking about work here, but designing, scrapbooking, photo editing, writing. I’m not just creating art but memories, and that makes me happy.

At Walt Disney World… where I can be a kid again and again. When they say “welcome home” at check-in I get choked up. I love tha characters, the amazing attractions, and the attention to detail. We honeymooned here and Jeff and I talked endlessly aboutbringng our kids someday. The first time we took Sean, he was up on Jeff’s shoulders pointing and smiling at Mickey Mouse I knew my dreams were coming true.

Sitting on my deck in the summer… where I feel relaxed and alive. I love the feeling of the sun prickling my skin (with sunscreen on, of course). My whole body heats up and the tension releases.

In my kitchen during a party… where I laugh until it hurts. Surrounded by friends and family who know me better than I know myself, and yet still love me.

Cuddling on the couch, watching a movie… where the stress of the day leaves me.

At my church during adoration... where the silence and peace comforts me.

Behind a camera… where I can capture the beauty & love & laughter I’m experiencing.

Wherever my family is… there is no place like home. This is my favorite spot.

31 Things :: Story 21 - Think

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately. This upcoming Father’s Day will be my tenth Father’s Day without him since he died July 30, 2001. Somehow I thought it would get easier but it doesn’t. Yes, we now get to celebrate Jeff being a father and I love being with my in-laws and celebrating with them. But at the end of the day I wish my dad was here. I miss him.

Despite being forty-two years old, I wish my dad was here to give me a hug. He was a man of few words, but his hugs said I love you like nothing else. I want to be his little girl again. Recently we watched old family videos, and I heard his voice behind the camera. And my heart skipped a beat. His voice. Oh, how I miss it. A smile spread across my face, and then the tears rolled down my face. He loved taking videos, and perhaps his soul knew we would need these videos someday to hear his voice and to see what he saw.

I really wish he was here to know Sean. He would get such a kick out of him, I just know it. And I want to see the sparkle in my Dad’s eye that tells me he’s proud of me for raising such an amazing little boy. Sean asks about his Grandpa Gren a lot, and I’m more than happy to share stories. One day Sean was talking about something that was broken and he said, “I bet Grandpa Gren could fix this couldn’t he? He could fix anything. “ Tears sprang forth and I smiled, “He sure could, buddy. Anything.”

The weekend of his accident, Jeff and I were with my parents at their summer home. I was there when the sheriff came to the house. I was with my mom at the hospital when she told the doctor, “please don’t go to extreme measures to keep him alive.” I was able to hold his hand one last time. I count myself blessed and lucky to have spent his last weekend with him fishing, eating ice cream, and going to the casino. All things he loved.

Yet I don’t think I said “I love you dad” that weekend. And I’d give anything to be able to tell him that one more time. A few weeks ago we were cleaning and organizing in the basement and I found my name scribbled in my dad’s writing on an envelope. Inside he had written, “Amy, I love you. Dad” I don’t remember when he’d given this to me, and I couldn’t help but think he continues to reach out to me in tangible ways. Reminding me of his love... especially on Father’s Day.

31 Things :: Story 20 - Carry

I love bags. Doesn’t matter what kind… big or small, cheap or expensive, leather or cotton, tote or handbag. I have them all, and consider it my duty to find the perfect bag for the occasion. What occasion you ask? Doesn’t matter, and I’ll make one up if I have to.

Currently I’m a Vera Bradley fan. For years I was drawn to them in specialty stores. Their vibrant colors, and fun patterns were appealing to me. Something about their quirky preppiness spoke to my soul. But I never felt like I could live up to it. I'm not sure what it was -- did I feel they were for the upper-crust? mature women? Did I think people would look at me funny for carrying a bold flowered or paisley bag? I'm not sure. All I know is I never bought one. But the frugalista in me flipped when I received a $20 off $20 or more for my birthday few years ago. And lucky me, we have an outlet store here in Chicagoland. They are the perfect weight, perfect handle lengths, very roomy, and lots of slip pockets to organize everything. And the color and pattern. Yummy.

I currently have two totes – a red paisley print for fall/winter and a pink & green flower print for spring/summer. I also have two cross body bags that are the perfect size when traveling and/or shopping when you need your hands free. They are my go to bags for Disney World touring.

My other favorite handbag is Tignanello when it comes to leather. I love their styles, and have three of their bags. Admittedly I haven’t used them lately since I’m loving the lightweight and roomy Vera Bradley bags.

I love my wallet – it’s a black quilted Vera Bradely zippered clutch – love how it closes up nice and tidy.

Inside my purse you would find my cell phone, sunglasses, a few pens, Softlips lip balm, lip liner, lip gloss, Purell hand sanitizer, Boogie Wipes (remember 4 year old with allergies), video camera, and all sorts of receipts, old grocery lists, coupons, coloring books & a Ziploc full of crayons.

Right now I’m using a mickey mouse tote to carry exercise gear to the YMCA. In it you would find my heart rate monitor, lock, headphones, running shoes, headband, and water bottle. I throw my Kindle Fire in as we’re heading out the door.

We have a gazillion reusable shopping totes that I always seem to forget when I go to the grocery store. Please tell me I’m not the only one.

I’m currently pining for a LILL Studio bag – the Lexie cross body. But the frugalista in me can’t bear to spend $165 on a bag that I don’t really need. Yet it’s calling my name! I must find an occasion to buy it.